I had just watched a BBC News item from last year about a man I would like to meet. The man in question was in the news because he decided to log the quality, place and consequence of all of his sneezes. This idea appealed to me because I am a secret fan of collecting and statistics. I’m currently collecting and logging burst balloons found in my daily wanderings and wonderings and that is quite weird. I love the idea of collating sneezes and noting down the activities engaged in when the sneezes occur. Sadly, the man in the news item beat me to it. There’s no point me copying his idea. For now, I will stick to burst balloons.
However, this started me thinking about sneezes. I asked myself: what do I think about sneezing?
Sneezing is very inconvenient. I have inherited from my mum the ability to have multiple sneezes in one session. This is fine if I am at home, but when driving a car or operating heavy machinery, it is a little irksome.
I have big sneezes. I find my sneezes embarrassing. People turn their heads when I sneeze in public. Strangers often say ‘bless you!’. My sneezes echo. I apologise for my public sneezing. I have a friend, and if she reads this she will know who she is, who has the most lovely ladylike sneezes I have ever heard. They are only audible to bats. I envy her sneezes. I lived in Japan for two years. I spent two years regretting my sneezes. Japanese people do not sneeze loudly.
My next problem with sneezes is that they very rarely leave me feeling full satisfied. They are like unfulfilled promises. They make me feel the same way as ‘we’ll see’ used to make me feel. The dream of satisfaction almost comes but, not quite. So a second attempt is needed. Yet this has the same consequence. So we try a third time. And again, satisfaction is just off the horizon. After six attempts my nose gives up and I am left with a feeling of deep disappointment.
Apparently, a sneeze is akin to rebooting your laptop. Every now and then my laptop takes a funny turn or a programme stops working on it. Solution? Reboot. So the same goes for the nose.
Mints make me sneeze. I always sneeze when I eat an Extra Strong Mint. I don’t know if that is normal or not.
Heineken makes me sneeze. I’m sure that isn’t normal. Other brands of beer do not have the same effect.
I am sure that sneezing after drinking a particular brand of beer is rather odd. But odd is good.