I have quite a few phobias, probably more than the average person.
I am scared of (to differing degrees) the following: balloons, fireworks, party poppers, worms, vomit, belly buttons and not being able to find a toilet if I need one.
However, this week I realised that there is something I am scared of much more than any of the things in that list: boredom. I am really scared of being bored.
The last nine months (since about September) have been the busiest few months of my life. I’ve had two major work projects going on at the same time and my final art course project started in November and is due to finish in May. An evening hasn’t passed without me having some work to catch up on, or a blog entry to write, some art to research to do or some more work to catch up on. I feel as if I haven’t sat down for longer than five minutes in nine months.
I have a to-do list of all those filddly jobs that never get done: book cat in for her MOT, ring dentist to check they have the correct phone number for me, sew on Cubs badges, sort through pile of letters, check bank account, do invoices, read a book for half an hour without distraction.
However, the work load and the college demands are due to ease after May 19th. May 19th has loomed as this golden date of freedom for me since November. I’ve had to to people: ‘I can do that, but only after May 19th’, ‘I’ll be free, after May 19th’. Now we are two weeks away from the golden date of May 19th, I’ve started to feel a bit jittery.
I’m due to start another college course in October, I also have a video to make in June and July for the History Makers project, I still have a fair amount of work to do, I’ll still be helping out at my sons’ school with various art projects, yet I fear boredom will get me before October. I fear not being busy all the time. I fear not having the need to run everywhere. I fear not having my brain whizzing with thoughts all the time. If it is not whizzing with work thoughts and art thoughts, what will it think about? That is too scary to contemplate.
So I need a few balls to replace those that will drop. I know that I shouldn’t find new balls. I should enjoy the time to have fewer balls. But how? I don’t know.