…isĀ  clearly a load of rubbish. That’s my weird thought of last night, at about 11.30pm.

I’m married to someone who is really brainy. He’s super brainy. His brains are off the scale. He has never had a B in his life. He has A Level maths, further maths, pure maths, super pure maths and even more difficult maths, oh and physics. He has a law degree and even though that was 20 years ago, he still churns law stuff on request. He is able to learn things after reading about them once. He rarely gets lost. He is very able to put forward a very well-thought through argument and come out the winner and he knows a lot about computer code. He is Clever. He is Very Clever.

Yet, contradicting what the Internet might predict, he is often asleep before he has pulled the covers up to his chin. He can sleep anywhere and in any position. He sleeps soundly and solidly. At 11pm he’s gone, at 5am he’s back. As far as I am aware, he has never been kept awake by intrusive thoughts such as those which I get: why are we here? Why did so-and-so say such-and-such to me today? What shall I do next? Does this person like me? Did I say the right thing to that person? Why can’t we see colour in the dark? What is colour? What is red? Why do people want to vote leave? Oh no, I forgot to do that Important Thing today. What shall I wear tomorrow? Why do I watch Big Brother? What is Big Brother really about? What can I draw next? These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

My night-time thoughts resemble this painting by a friend of mine from Wolverhampton:

My brain at 11pm

My brain at 11pm

Can you see now why I struggle to fall asleep?

My husband’s thoughts at night resemble this painting by Kazimir Malevich:

I wish these were my thoughts at 11pm

I wish these were my thoughts at 11pm

According to the Internet, I must be more brainy than him. But that simply isn’t true. I know what a C is (GCSE English Literature and English Language). I also know what a D is (A Level General Studies). I couldn’t pass a GCSE in further pure applied maths never mind an A Level. I scraped a 2.1 in Economics and Politics and I spent most of my three years in Exeter in the library (I think I got 60.5% so just over the line). I get lost All The Time. I lose the car All The Time. I sometimes lose the carpark.

At least if I could explain my insomnia with intelligence I’d feel better about it and I’d just live with it. Sadly, I think it is just that I don’t have the skills necessary to shut down at night. My off switch is faulty.

My off switch is faulty

My off switch is faulty