Tag: Chocolate

  • Who teaches animals sex education? How do they just ‘know’ how to do it?
  • Why don’t cats eat chocolate?
Yummy?

Yummy?

 

  • Why don’t cats and dogs try to walk on two feet? They must wonder why we do.
The world looks much better from up here

The world looks much better from up here

  • What is the point of pubic and armpit hair? We don’t need to be kept warm under our armpits or in our nether regions so why hasn’t evolution got rid of this stuff?
  • If humans have boobies, why don’t animals – they just have nipples? Is it because bras on animals would be odd?
I'm a 34B, you?

I’m a 34B, you?

  • Why is coke black? It’s not the most attractive colour for a drink.
Mmmm, doesn't that look appetising?

Mmmm, doesn’t that look appetizing?

  • What is the point of eyebrows?
What is the point?

What is the point?

  • Why does our hair go grey?
This Phil is happy being silver

This Phil is happy being silver

  • Why do people kiss? Why don’t animals kiss, with tongues?
  • Why do we need chairs when the floor is just as comfortable (ask the Japanese)?
I lived for two years in Japan with NO CHAIRS

I lived for two years in Japan without chairs

  • Why men go bald but women (generally) do not?
Phil doesn't mind being folically challenged

This Phil doesn’t mind being folically challenged

 

I now want to know what other people’s ‘questions I’ve always wanted to know the answer to’ are.

 

 

I’m not being funny, but your blog is awful

I’ve lived in Shrewsbury now for six years. I do like this lovely, medieval town very much. As I’ve explained before I love straplines and Shrewsbury has a great strapline: the great one-off. There is even a video on YouTube about how lovely it is here (and it really is).

But there is one phrase I hear a lot out and about this town which I don’t remember hearing on the streets of Oxford (although it does appear on the Oxford Dictionaries website) or Charlbury and it is a phrase I don’t like. That phrase is: I’m not being funny, but.

A town which is full of people not being funny

A town which is full of people not being funny

This phrase now sits happily in my box of Phrases I Don’t Like (sitting along side ‘at the end of the day‘, ‘the bottom line’, ‘ping me an email’ and ‘keep me in the loop’). The reason I don’t like it is because when you hear it you know that something bad is going to follow. You know that some negative comment must be on its way. You hear this phrase and you need to brace yourself.

You never hear ‘I’m not being funny but, there are some lovely people in this world’ or ‘I’m not being funny but, let’s give everyone some chocolate tomorrow’.

Let's spread a little chocolate around the world

Let’s spread a little chocolate around the world

Perhaps I should change the reputation of this phrase and use it ad nauseum in my daily conversations with all the Salopians I know. But I need to follow it with something lovely and flowery. That will be my mission.

I'm not being funny but, flowers are pointless

I’m not being funny but, flowers are pointless

As I get larger, people get smaller

This is a genuine ‘weird thought whilst sat on the toilet’. It’s one that I’ve had just now after eating a large amount of Bombay potatoes, vegetable curry, plain rice and tikka naan bread from my favourite Indian restaurant and take away.

Eat me - you will grow

Eat me and you will grow

I was recently speaking to a friend and the thought crossed my mind that she seemed smaller.

Just now, on the toilet, a memory of this thought came to me and I wondered whether she had lost weight or had I in fact put on weight? I’ve noticed this phenomenon before. I generally stay around the same weight but I do notice small fluctuations in my weight based on various factors such as pregnancy and diet and when I put on weight (Japan added more than a stone), the people around me seem to get smaller, and when I lose weight (breastfeeding babies is the best diet ever), they get bigger.

I wonder if anyone else has noticed this oddity of life? Now when I perceive that the people around me are shrinking I start to panic and stop eating chocolate. When I see them shrinking I feel cheered and reach for the chocolate.

This will make you grow even bigger

This will make you grow even bigger

© 2018 Weird Thoughts I Have Sat On The Toilet

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑