This is a weird thought I had at 3am when I woke up needing to go to the toilet. I’d just had a dream that I was being shaken by a ghost so I was reluctant to move from under the duvet with the memory of the fear I felt in my dream still vivid. So I fought the urge because I was scared that if I got up in the dark, I’d be attacked by a ghost between duvet and bathroom or between bathroom and duvet.

This is what I thought was out to get me at 3am

This is what I thought was out to get me at 3am

So instead, I snuggled further under the duvet and I tried to get back to sleep. Sleep didn’t come easily due to bladder discomfort. So while trying, I came up with a number of questions about the irrationality of adult fear of ghosts.

  1. Why do we think ghosts only lurk in the dark? Surely it doesn’t make any difference whether it is light or dark to a ghost. If there is a ghost in your house he or she is just as likely to be prowling around the landing at 3pm as 3am.
  2. Why do we think we are safe under a duvet? If a ghost really wanted to cause you harm, he or she would seek you out even as you lay quivering under a duvet. A duvet is not a ghost protection device.
  3. Why do we assume ghosts are out to get us? I have come across lots of people who claim they have encountered ghosts and not one of them has been harmed by a ghost.
  4. If ghosts aren’t solid and we can’t touch them, why do we think they can touch us (and presumably hack us to death)? It doesn’t make sense to be afraid of something that is perhaps just an echo or a faint image. Who is the strongest in this scenario – solid man or ethereal ghost?
  5. Why are we always scared of ghosts in human form? How about all the flies, spiders and slugs that have died where the house now stands? Could they jump out at us while on the loo?
  6. Why do we fear just one ghost? If ghosts exist, wouldn’t they hang about in groups, have parties, like we do sometimes?
  7. Even if we’ve never seen a ghost, ever, in 44 years, why do we worry that one might show up now for the first time? (At least, that is what I was trying to convince myself at 3am this morning.)
  8. If ghosts do exist, and they do want to cause us harm, surely if they had half a brain they wouldn’t try when we are expecting them? I was expecting a ghost at 3am. I’m generally not expecting one to appear at 3pm when I’m on the way to the toilet in the day time. That would be a better time to spook me, surely?
  9. Why do we think that if ghosts exist we would be able to see them? Perhaps I am watched by ghosts as I sit on the toilet at 3am but I can’t see them watching me. If so, who cares? Good for them. Let them have their cheap thrills. If that’s the case, there’s no point fearing them.
  10. Ghosts or no ghosts, if I need the toilet I’ll eventually have to go so I may as well face the ghosts now rather than when I’m in more pain in ten minutes, fifteen minutes or twenty minutes from the moment I wake up.

This last thought persuaded me that I just had to go. But wouldn’t it be a great end to this blog if I could tell you that I met a friendly ghost last night. Sadly, no, I didn’t. All I met was a cat which I accidentally thudded my foot against on my way to the bathroom (she likes to sleep in doorways).

Is that a ghost in the toilet, or a cat?

Is that a ghost in the toilet, or a cat?