This is a weird thought I have a lot, especially when I’m sat quietly minding my own business and I get that unsettling feeling that I am being stared at. That feeling, always turns out not to be paranoia, and the cause is always my cat.
Cats are to the main quiet, gentle, sleepy creatures. They purr, they sit close to their owners, they keep themselves very clean. They appear to only care about sleep and food. I think this behaviour is very suspicious.
I believe that cats are secretly planning world domination. I think they are close to getting there. Catageddon is in the not-so-distant future. They have been planning world domination for centuries, since Roman times. I think the Egyptians knew this, and this is why they worshipped cats (keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer). In fact, if it weren’t for the Egyptians, cats would have taken over the world centuries ago.
I’d better not spend too long writing this blog. My cat is approaching me. She knows I am on to her. She must be able to smell my suspicion. I think she can read my mind. She pretends to be dumb. She acts stupid. She pretends not to know that drinking milk out of my cereal bowl is naughty because that perpetuates the image of Stupid Cat. My husband thinks she is a Stupid Cat. My children think she is a Stupid Cat.
Have you ever wondered: where do cats go at night? I am certain that after we go to bed, they have meetings. They plot. They make plans. They have agendas and minutes. They have a chair, vice-chair and secretary. They have regional leaders. Those regional leaders have county-wide meetings, and country-wide ones, and country-to-country ones via Skype.
You may be reading this and thinking that I am deluded. I am not. Type in ‘Cats are plann…’ into google and see what google predicts you may be wishing to google. And once you type ‘cats are planning to kill you’ you will find that there are a lot of websites on cat conspiracy theories. This one is my favourite. Most troubling in the list given here for me is: ‘sleeping on your electronics’. My cat does that all the time. She loves my laptop. I thought it was for the warmth. How wrong I was.
There is a YouTube video warning the world about seemingly sweet felines. Have we headed this warning yet? No.
Why do cats love boxes so much? So they can eavesdrop on our conversations, aka SPY, that is why. Who came up with the idea of cat hotels and cat cafes? It was not people. It was the cats brainwashing the people. I don’t know how they have been able to do this. But I am sure that they have psychic skills.
Louis Wain knew the secret about cats. This secret sent him mad. He painted the future leaders of the world.
The day will come when the cats of the world will unite. Watch out. They are waiting, patiently for the go-ahead. I’m surprised the Daily Mail hasn’t yet written about this threat. At least that is what I thought. In fact, believe it or not, they have! It must be true. I’m not paranoid. I wonder if Nigel Farage is aware of this impending catastrophe? Perhaps not yet. He will be once he reads this blog.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.