Month: November 2019

How can we make tights sexy?

As a female grownup (in theory, at least), I wear tights quite frequently. In fact, I wear tights more often than I wear socks. I rarely wear socks (only to go out for a run or to Zumba). And I wear tights a lot more frequently than I wear stockings (I think I have worn them just a handful of times in my life).

I own a lot of pairs of black tights (all from Marks & Spencer). My weird thought of the day is about tights. This morning, as I was stood in the kitchen putting tights on I found myself pondering, why is it that tights are never, ever sexy?

Are these sexy?

Why do stockings have almost the opposite effect? Why, when tights are just stockings that go all the way up to the belly, is it that they aren’t even remotely alluring to men or women? What is the difference, in a man’s eyes? I don’t remember reading in any ‘bonkbuster’ of a scene where the man drools as he contemplates ripping the tights off the lady.

Or are these sexy?

Is there anybody out there who finds tights seductive? If so, let me know. Not that I am about to show you my tights but it would be good to know that out there somewhere there is someone who fancies ladies in tights.

As for men in tights, that’s a different weird thought.

What if we all have our own versions of heaven and hell?

This is the weird thought I had just now, while eating some orange Viennetta.

This is utterly yummy squared

This, divine chocolate orange delight, would exist in my heaven. This thought made me wonder what else would be in my heaven. I came up with the following list of things:

  • Velvet furnishings
  • Cheese
  • Red wine (Ian Botham red wine or red wine from the Middle East)
  • Chocolate orange (in many incarnations, not just Viennetta)
  • The sea
  • Christmas
  • A hula hoop
  • An endless supply of art materials
  • Books

I decided, at this point, that we all perhaps have our own versions of heaven. My heaven may not be yours. In fact, my heaven could be your hell. My brother, for example, hates velvet. I don’t expect him to visit me in heavenĀ  too often.

So, as easy as it isĀ  to come up with my heaven, it is to conjure my hell. This is what I expect to find, should I be banished down under for that time when I accidentally poked a monkey at Dudley Zoo with a biro:

  • Balloons
  • Fireworks
  • Vomit
  • Cat diarrhoea
  • Naughty boys from Walton High School circa 1983-5
  • Party poppers
  • People who like to pull down the bits of skin below their eyes to show their eyeballs
  • Intolerant people
  • Sprouts

Eugh!

Let’s hope that St Peter lets me go upwards. I have been fairly good, most of my life, except the odd transgression related to West Midlands animal attractions, so here’s hoping.