Disclaimer: I have nothing against Wales or the people who hale from it. I’m married to one. I’m not so sure about the cats from that part of the world though…
The idea of Welsh cats taking over the world is the weird thought I had yesterday when I found a balloon trapped under a police car at Shrewsbury train station. In my current art project, I am seeking out all of the lost and abandoned balloons of Britain and so when I find one, I take a photo of it. Yesterday I found this one:
The lost balloon caught by the police
I am sure you are wondering what this all has to do with cats taking over the world. There isn’t even a cat in this picture. Or indeed sign of feline intervention (cats don’t like balloons, everybody knows that). Let me ask you this: do you notice anything particularly Welsh about this police car? I imagine that the bright among you will have spotted the word Heddlu on the side of the police car. Heddlu is Welsh for police. Bilingual police cars are not an usual sight in Shrewsbury. In fact, they are the norm. As are bilingual bank machines, Ambulances and a few other random official objects are also floating around this town sporting instruction in two languages. However, the very bright among you will know that Shrewsbury is not in Wales (at least not at the moment). But it is very close to Wales and there is a Welshness about it in many ways. A lot of people travel from rural Wales to Shrewsbury to go shopping (particularly on a Wednesday I am told by my friend who used to work in a shop in town). There is a slight Welsh tinge to the accent (imagine Welsh plus West Midlands with a sprinkling of countryside and you have the Shrewsbury accent). It is surrounded by hills. It is probably one of the Welshest English towns I have been to (other contenders might be Hereford, Hay-on-Wye and Chester). Until yesterday, this wasn’t of any concern to me at all. In fact, I liked it.
Interestingly, you also will find Welsh as an option for bank machines in the further-inland town of Telford. The trains that run to and from Shrewsbury to Birmingham are bilingual. I now have my suspicions that these bilingual facilities are not for the benefit of the odd person from Wales who’s first language is Welsh who suddenly finds him- or herself strapped for cash in Telford or in need of an ambulance. I think this is for the cats. Or more specifically, the Welsh cats. They need bilingual bank machines so that they can get money out in Telford and they need to know who to run away from when they see a car with the word Heddlu on the side coming towards them when they are TAKING OVER THE WORLD!
An army marches on its stomach
I’m not sure how they have engineered this part of their plot. I need to do some further research.But when I find out, I will write about it here. I think it is more than just opposable thumbs that is the cause of this. So watch out, it isn’t just any old cats coming to get you, it is the army of Welsh cats!
This is a weird thought I had today on the 8.33 from Shrewsbury to Birmingham International. I was thinking about famous people and I was wondering whether I will be famous one day. I had dreams of first class travel as standard, book signings in Waterstones and / or art openings at Tate Modern. So, I decided that if I am to become a famous artist or writer, someone might want to make a film of my life. If so, someone would need to play the part of me. I’m sure many people have wondered ‘Who is going to play me in a movie of my life?’ It’s not an uncommon weird thought.
The train of weird thoughts
But then I decided that that wasn’t likely to happen. I don’t see a future of artworld infamy or publishing sensation book tours. So I decided that, statistically, it was more likely to happen that someone I know becomes famous rather than me. It might be a relative (Dave Gorman), an old friend (Russell Fuller), someone I have studied art with (Jonny Ive – sort of, he went to the same school as me), someone I have worked with (Susie Dent). And therefor someone might one day make a film of that person’s life (that’s four possibles already after ten minutes of thinking about it). If they are a good friend of mine or someone who’s path I crossed many times (so not Jonny Ives, except possibly past the lockers), then there’s a chance I might need to appear in the film. If so, of course someone would need to play me.
I wonder if he enjoyed his Walton High experience?
So the weird thought is: everyone should ponder the following, whether they see a life of future fame or not: ‘Who is going to play me in a movie?’
I’d be content for Kiera to play me in the movie of someone else’s life
It could happen. So keep an eye on your friends – they may one day have their name in lights or find themselves on TV. I’ve thought of four easy possibles, how many do you have?
This isn’t a new weird thought. This is something I’ve known for many years. The weird thought is: I’m not good at being part of a couple. I don’t do PDAs, I don’t often hold hands, and I certainly would never, ever put my hand in someone else’s back pocket for reasons of affection. But this weird thought came to my attention recently when my husband went shopping.
I’ve never done this
Knowing how uncouply I am (I struggle even to read in bed side by side with glasses on faces and cups of tea cooling on matching bedside tables), a couple of weeks ago my husband bought this:
This is far too couply for me
In case you aren’t aware of this particular gadget, I’d better tell you what it is. It is a his ‘n’ hers iPhone charger. I hadn’t even known such an object existed before he bought it. And he didn’t ask me whether I’d be interested in co-charging my phone with him before he bought it. So I’m not happy with him! I have been using it but only because it is convenient. I don’t use it by choice. Every night when I stick my phone on charge I do it begrudgingly and with a wince.
This is one step away from his ‘n’ hers towels in my opinion.
This is quite low on my list of wants
And the final step to coupledoomdum oldmarriedcouply contentment would be Harold and Hilda jumpers.
The lovely Harold and Hilda
I can assure you that that is NEVER going to happen.